There are days where I m one of those people who enjoy not having a lot of friends because it’s so easy to talk to them and really get to know them but people never talk about the cons of having only a couple friends.

What are you to do when they are having a slow day with replies? What are you to do when they’re all busy with other things so they won’t be talking? Life gets lonely again. Yeah you could send messages but it’s better to leave them to do whatever they need to.

It’s hard to talk about the reasoning why you do want to bug someone if they aren’t really saying things but it’s easy to understand that maybe the other person just doesn’t feel like saying much.

It just sucks.

No matter what any of them say you will always feel annoying. None of them know that deep inside you just want someone who is just as excited to talk to you. You is the one coming to you to talk first instead of you starting most things. To actually feel like you matter. Maybe in a way it’s not even a friendship you need. Maybe you just want someone who actually cares for you more than anyone else. 

You try so hard to be happy with the people you have but they’re all so far away and all they can do is talk. They can sit in silence with you. The silence you get between messages isn’t the same as actually having the person in the same room as you. When you wait for a message you can get anxious and nervous. Maybe they’re annoyed by you and they have better people to talk to because you’re too needy. Going most of your life without friends plants a seed in you. It’s not a flower but a weed that’s a vine and it wraps around your heart and brain. As soon as someone stops talking you feel it tighten and you’re afraid that this is the end of the good things are ending. You’re afraid that if you don’t say something anything that they’ll forget about you. You’re so used to having things be said and planned and when the time comes the person either forgets or just tries to give some excuse to get out of it. 

You don’t want to complain about it. You don’t want to tell them how much it meant to you that you had plans that you were excited about. You’re so used to sitting in front of a screen and when something comes up that you plan with a friend it’s the best change. Then those plans fall apart and you wonder if you did something wrong. Maybe you bothered them about it too much? Who knows. 

With this i wonder how many people actually read the things I write. How many of my friends that i talk to read this? 

 think the main reason why i think i’ll never have a relationship is because i’m always a mess.

who wants to be with someone that cries on a daily basis? nobody. nobody will ever want to deal with me. i don’t even know how the friends i have now deal with me. 

i don’t want to say anything about wanting a relationship because i don’t want to sound desperate and all ”only a boy will make me happy” that’s not it at all. i don’t know..i don’t know how to explain what i want now..

tries to tell friends in skype call that i’m starting to get in a sad mood and just gets ignored.

hahahaha alright. okay. 

they get happy when i join the call then just forget about me

don’t even care if i leave the call

or if i’m silent

they don’t even come to check if i’m alright

i’m going to drown myself in a shower now

It’s bad that i’m just waiting for something to set me off into a breakdown. this is probably gonna throw myself into one.

My stomach has been tying itself into a knot since i tried to fill out job applications then just thinking about my driver test isn’t helping

sigh i could probably go on about everything that’s bothering me but it’ll be the same things all over again and it’s not like people actually read these posts.

i’m a background noise in everyone’s life.

i’ve gotten so used to having crushes on people who will never like me the same way.

i’m always the friend. that’s all i’ll ever be. sometimes i think there’s hope but it’s just a false sense because nothing goes the way i want it/ i’m always the side character.

i just want to go up to my room and cry but with my dad awake that’ll be too risky. 

today i’ve felt so invisible. i haven’t had a break down in two days but i can feel myself growing close to one.

times like these make me really wish that i had a friend that was able to come over. i’d probably cry but i’d have someone to talk to.

i love group calls but it’d be nice to have someone who i can just have solo calls with. even if it’s just audio but i hate asking people if we can because then i just feel annoying and if they give a hint that it’s going to be a no then i just get sad because it feels like i get more excited to talk to people than they are with me. i’m always in the back. i can’t be convinced that i’m actually that important to someone. 

having my time of the month come in hasn’t really helped me at all. especially mentally. i hate everything about me and my life.  i really feel like a burden to everyone especially my family.

staying home was probably the worst thing i could do because now i’m just crying over everything. it’s not like my parents would know. i’m just left here alone with my thoughts. i’m bored out of my fucking mind and i don’t know. i really feel like today is much different than all the rest.

maybe it’s just me not being able to handle anything.

I hate how quick my mind switches to being the worst thing in the world. I’ve been fine all day but now all these thoughts are flooding in that are making my stomach tie in a knot.

I hate how much I complain about the most pointless things. I guess I can’t really blame myself for it. I don’t have many friends. There’s only a couple people I talk to on a daily basis and I only have one that I talk to every day that I’ve known for eleven months. Yesterday I felt fine, with everything that had gone on because barely anything happened. Today is the same but now it feels different. I don’t want to call myself clingy even though that’s probably what I am. Maybe I’m just like my dad. I hate change. I hate having one thing being the same for the longest time then things change too quickly and i can’t handle it. I’d never actually tell anyone about it because I don’t want them to feel like they’re to blame. They’re not. They are living their lives doing what they want. This is all on me and how I am. People are moving forward while I’m basically stuck.

It’s not like I can do much anyways. I’m horrible with social shit and i really just don’t like going out. I also don’t like staying home all the time so no matter what I can never be happy. I agreed to join my family with going to the movies but i don’t want to now. They are the only ones i get to hang out with and it fucking depresses me even more. The one small relief I got was when i let my mom into what was going on and she said that she’ll help me get a therapist. I’m a bit iffy on it but since I’ve never actually tried it then I can’t really say that it won’t help. 

I’m really tempted to just close all forms of communication to people. I’m always wondering who would actually miss talking to me or wonder if everything’s okay. I don’t think anyone realizes how good of a liar I am. I can easily make myself seem like I’m on top of the world when I feel like I’m actually living in hell. 

Sometimes I think that maybe if I was in a relationship that i’d be semi okay but i think that’d actually be the worst thing. I’d feel awful all the time because whoever it’d be would deserve better than me. Nobody should have to deal with me. Not even my friends should have to deal with me and how clingy and needy I can get. I really hope on some days that they tell me to shut up and let them be while they do other shit. 

I’ll never be happy with anything. I don’t deserve any of the friends I have. I’m dumb and just so ridiculously annoying. 

it’s getting hard and harder to no cry right now. i’m in my living room typing this as my dad watches tv.

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